Infertility and Hope

Infertility is full of hope. 

Hope can mean different things to different people, but there’s no denying that trying for a baby means you have hope. 

At the beginning of our fertility journey, I was FULL of hope. There was an abundance of it. And as time wore on, it started to diminish. There were spouts of optimism here and there, but overall it became daunting. Everyone said they had hope, and I began feeling guilty because I didn’t feel the same way anymore. 

Around the time when we had our first miscarriage was when my husband used the phrase “hope fatigue” for the first time. It had been five years of trying, and starting IVF felt quite promising. All of the money, shots, tears, and dreams were finally coming together! We were elated when we got a positive pregnancy result! And then, at the first ultrasound, that the heartbeat was low. Our expectation of hope began to change, and hope fatigue settled over us like a cold fog. Hope Fatigue made so much sense to me and is now something that is a part of our vocabulary. Whenever I share it with someone dealing with infertility, they understand it right away. 

I remember when our surrogate had a miscarriage, I had the thought, “Are we done? Do we keep trying? Because I don’t want to feel this bad anymore.” It was incredibly challenging this time as we had involved someone else this round. That made an extra weight as I didn’t want anyone else to feel this heartache. At the time of this loss, we had been trying for a child for 6 and a half years. I was tired of feeling sad, defeated, let down, like a failure, overthrown, out of control, disappointed, and so many other depressing things. 

I was fatigued.

Honestly, I still am.

We (and our fantastic surrogate) have decided to transfer our last embryo. Pursuing this will be our final attempt at a biological child. We have discussed the idea of adoption but also chose to focus on the task at hand. Looking too far ahead takes away from what is happening now, and I need this reminder a lot. There was a moment a few months ago when out of the blue, I said, “Ok, let’s do another egg retrieval.” We were not even discussing the topic, and, of course, I was always thinking about it. My husband reminded me that I said, previously, that I did not want to do that again… and more importantly, that this transfer could work. He kindly noted that we need to put our attention on the effort already in place. If you are in the infertility world, you know this space of the jumbled brain. 

Hope fatigue changes you. And for others in your circle, they want to be still hopeful, and you may begin to feel bitter. Placing expectations on yourself like this can eat away at your heart. Expectations, in general, can do this to anyone. I started to feel bad about feeling bad… very common in the infertility world.

There are ways to feel better on this journey. It takes constant work, but anything good in life does. I practice gratitude daily and remind myself of what I already do have. Seeing what is already working in my life helps me take stock in the goodness currently happening. Identifying the good can sometimes be overlooked, and I have to make a constant effort in it. Having a way to track my gratitude helps, and it’s fun to look back on to see patterns. 

Another specific habit I practice is pinpointing things that I could not do with children. Taking stock in these things has made others (with children) not enjoy my work as much, but we must do what we can to make ourselves feel good. Yes, I want children, and yes, I can still enjoy my champagne on a Tuesday morning without the guilt. Last year we spent Christmas in Paris, and I am sure there would have been quite a bit of shame wrapped up in that if we had a child. Instead, we drank and ate our way through Europe and loved every bit. 

You can have hope while still feeling despair. Here is a blog post I wrote about making boundaries while dealing with infertility. It is essential to establish these for yourself and stick to them. Find what works for you and explore what they mean to you.

You can have hope and be fatigued all at the same time; just be sure to check in with yourself and do what you need to do… not what others expect of you.