Dealing With Unsolicited Advice

When you’re trying for a baby, and it’s not going as planned, talking about it can be tough… especially the unsolicited advice. 

For me, it has been one of the most challenging parts of infertility. After seven years of trying, I’ve had my fair share of unique pieces of advice. I’ve gone through multiple stages of responses and often still filter through them. 

I have felt loved, broken, not enough, inspired, jealous, sad, unworthy, angry, supported… and so many other emotions. I admit that before infertility, I’ve been one to say, “I know someone who…” We want to help others, but it’s often not how it comes across.

Since most people don’t deal with infertility, they appear to come from a “knowing” place. A response like this sometimes even comes from those that have children after dealing with struggling to conceive. It’s overwhelming to hear continually.

And there are many ways to respond.

One thing I often think about is that we can only truly control our responses to things. 

Good things will happen.

Bad things will happen.

And you get to choose how you respond to all of it.

Quietly

Not saying much was my go-to in the beginning. I didn’t know how I felt about all of the incoming advice and tried just to take it in. I took all of it to heart and literally tried (or already had attempted) everything that was suggested… none of it worked… and I still got the advice.

This cycle started to weigh on me. Personally, it made me feel awful. I know that it’s coming from love, but it’s a fucked up way to love someone. This “advice” makes me feel broken… even if that isn’t the intent, but it’s like they’re trying to fix me.

So responding without saying much can mean keeping it all inside and then letting it build up. 

Anger

Anger became my response after the quiet approach began to build up. I would let the person delivering the advice know precisely where I was on my journey and the pain I had been dealing with… all with a strong personality. I thought I was educating them, but it never came across like that. It was like I was trying to belittle them as I had felt they belittled me.

Responding like this also never left me feeling good. 

I was upset that people were not taking my view and experience into consideration didn’t like  to hear their perspective on a topic that they knew nothing about. It made me feel less than. It made me feel angry.

Honesty

After neither of the previous reactions made me feel good, I tried owning my own story with authenticity. Things started to change for me when I lead with honesty. 

I began noticing how I felt when others would give advice. I started letting others know how I felt about it as well.  No one is a mind reader. And I would do so in a way that wasn’t angry or rude, merely honest. 

Some specific ways I did this was:

“Thank you for thinking of me, but I was hoping you could just listen.”

“I’ve tried that.”

“It’s nice that someone you know did that, and it worked for them, but there are a lot of pieces that factor in for everyone.”

“We have been diagnosed with a medical issue and just don’t have the numbers.”

“I can’t talk about it right now.”

“I know you’re trying to help, but it’s hard for me.”

“Can you just listen for a bit?’

“I know you don’t mean to make me feel bad, but I’m not in a space to hear advice.”

“If you would like to know about our specifics, I can tell you.”

“Can we change the subject?”

And then I wouldn’t worry about how they felt about my response. Letting go of the aftermath takes a lot of practice. It wasn’t easy at first, but after owning my story, I just didn’t need their approval anymore. Infertility taught me that.

There are many ways to respond in an uncomfortable situation. You’ll find your way through this. You’ll make mistakes, make people uncomfortable, trip over your words, and you’ll figure it out. Just be sure to be true to yourself along the way. Learn to listen to your feelings and intuition. Notice what feels good and what doesn’t. If you do something that makes you question yourself, think about why. Did you cross a line, or did the person you talked to make you feel bad about it? Be able to distinguish the difference and honor yourself along the way. 

Understanding ourselves throughout his journey is key to being OK with our without a child.