5 Ways to Love Yourself Through Infertility
Loving yourself while trying to conceive can be more work than expected. You are experiencing this grief each month and most likely keeping that pain inside. I know I did for years. It usually was expressed by crying on the bathroom floor when I got my period and then pulling myself together to go on with my day to day life. The only person who saw this was my husband, as I didn’t share the painful parts publicly.
It takes a lot of work to love yourself through all of this.
I felt broken. And every person that gave me advice made me feel like I needed to be fixed. These emotions are significant and shouldn’t get shoved away. These emotions need to be addressed and loved. I know that loving these parts about ourselves isn’t easy. I didn’t like that I was having the feelings, and then trying to love them was pretty much not an option for me.
But there are ways to love yourself through these challenging times.
1. Give Yourself Some Fucking Grace
No matter how long you have been trying, give yourself some grace. If you don’t, you’ll end up wishing you had. We all act and react in ways that can make us feel shame. I remember when a friend told me she was pregnant, and my response was, “We’re going to Italy.” Ugh… just typing that doesn’t make me feel good. I wish I could have shown up in a better way, but I couldn’t. I was in peak sad Carrie mode, and looking back, it wasn’t who I wanted to be. I forgive myself during this version of myself, though. I was nasty, angry, jealous, and, most of all, unhappy.
This person and I are no longer friends. She got pregnant, and I didn’t. I tried to support her, but my responses came out as desperate and clingy. She also didn’t show up for me in a way I needed. But you know what? I completely forgave myself. You have to. There are so many times we make mistakes and then never let it go. That weighs on you! It’s just too much! And the first four years I tried to conceive, I was such a mess. I didn’t have ANYONE that knew what I was going through. It was awful. But what was I supposed to do? When you’re in that type of situation, you go into the fight or flight mode… and you’re in survival mode.
Give yourself some fucking grace.
2. Do Some Shit You Can Control
When it becomes apparent that having a child isn’t going to be as easy as you thought, it’s nice to feel in control in other areas. Having a difficult time doing something that is part of our biology feels like we’re out of control. It sucks.
But there are ways to feel “in control” (although, are we ever in control?) Start with simple bits like doing the dishes and cleaning off the counter, putting laundry away, and taking out the garbage. You’ll see an immediate difference. Or try rearranging a room, drawer, or cupboard. This will show a rapid change that you made. It’s simple, but it helps. Some more important things like getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, limiting your screen time, cooking food at home… there are many things we can look at.
On the other hand, we must not become too dependent on the control aspect. I remember discussing this with my therapist and always looking at both sides of this situation. You want to be able to feel accomplished while not becoming too focused on the control part.
Just do some stuff that is your choice. You can see a difference and doesn’t technically have anything to do with your fertility.
3. Move That Body
Endorphins are real, y’all. Do something to get your heart rate up and your limbs moving—lots of options here. I like a morning dance party in the kitchen. A fun addition is to turn up the music loud and sing/scream along with it. Every Friday morning, this is a tradition at my house. Exercise is another go-to, but not as fun as the dance party. Working in the garden also gets the blood flowing while changing things.
Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I feel the need to scream, cry, or vomit. Although the scream and cry parts do happen… and often together… the vomit part doesn’t. It’s just too much for me. All of these things are a form of release. And when I move my body enough to be sweating, I get just that. Find ways that work for you! And scream and cry during it too… it does feel good.
4. Indulge in Your Vice Of Choice
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Do the stuff that makes you feel good and WITHOUT any guilt. No need to overindulge; just feel the goodness and be able to move on. You’re an infertility warrior. You move on all of the time.
Some of my personal favorites are champagne brunch at my favorite restaurant. Getting a buzz and then coming home to nap without thinking I should be doing anything else. To be honest, I will set myself up for this situation. Like not making any commitments I may miss, not starting a laundry project I may leave in the wash, and just letting myself be. Personally, when I give into to these indulgences, I am less likely to overindulge later… and let me tell you, I do overindulge. But then, I forgive myself and move on.
Do the shit that makes you feel good.
5. Burn It All Down
I am a true believer in burning your things. Things need to be safe, but seeing your issues dissolve in front of your eyes feels fantastic…. Like truly magical. Write all your problems, fears, feelings, and anything else you want to let go of.
And watch it burn.
Burn things you’re ready to let go of. Again, safety first, but do it. After we lost Clementine, we burned some things from her baby shower. At the gathering, people were able to write wishes, messages, and blessings down for her. They were beautiful and heartbreaking to keep. One night we opened some whiskey, sat around the fire pit, read each one, cried, and then watched the ashes rise.
It felt so good. I couldn’t bear seeing this piece of artwork anymore.
Burn it.
Infertility is a unique experience that calls for unique approaches to self-care. It’s a difficult time that many do not understand.
As long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, do what you need to do. Find what works best for you. You have to do things that feel good, now, not later. No matter where you are on your journey, you need to figure out the steps and techniques that help. It is essential.