You Are More Than Your Fertility

When you try to conceive, you can often lose yourself doing everything possible to become a parent. You’re trying all of the things… and it can be completely overwhelming.

When I was first trying for a family, I dove into everything I could. I listened to ALL of the advice, tried ALL of the recommendations,… literally all of it, and lost myself in the process. 

I remember when I first joined a support group for women (not fertility based) and began sharing what I was dealing with. I had never done that before.  In this group, everyone was required to create goals, and to be honest, I wasn’t ready to make an “I want to be a mother” goal, so I took an alternate route.

I made a goal to buy a van and convert it into an RV to travel in.

Converting a school bus was something I never imagined and quickly became obsessed. I needed to have a WIN outside of my fertility. Both my husband and I were craving success. After years and years of failed attempts to become parents, we wanted some sort of victory. 

We finally had something to look forward to!

The reality was that I wasn’t used to making goals as an adult. I had already hit the societally scheduled milestones: graduated high school and college, went to grad school, got my dream job, married an epic man… and then we were working on the baby. I didn’t know what goal would be next… society didn’t teach me past the baby part. So, a school bus became my focus.

Initially, we had wanted a van, and after discussing it with a friend of ours that was a mechanic, it became clear we needed a specific motor, 7.3L Powerstroke. A van with that particular engine was our entire budget… so it became an issue. Our friend then suggested a school bus with this motor. Driving a school bus was NOT what I was looking for, especially being a teacher at the time! We started searching online and found one and decided to make a trip to see it.

The situation was sketchy. It was in a back alley, and only cash was accepted. The seller was quite a character. But, I will admit I did like the bus right away. I could stand up in it, and it was less than half of our budget. We would have a lot more money to build and customize the way we wanted. 

We bought a bus!

For the next five months, we spent all of our free time working on the bus. We hit multiple issues but had a lot of fun completing this project together. We started to feel like we had some wins in life again. And it had been a while since we felt that way. It felt so refreshing. We celebrated by having a Bus Warming Party and then traveled in it for a month. 

Having this goal and succeeding in it changed a lot a great deal for us. When we accomplished the bus conversion, we decided it was time to seek medical help with fertility. Before this, I was too scared and ashamed to admit that we needed help… but I felt much more confident with this bus under our belts. It’s sort of silly, but this bus completely changed our lives. To this day, being in the bus is my absolute favorite place to be. It doesn’t matter if we are taking it to our local park for lunch or driving to Utah… I love it.

For so long, during fertility, I didn’t love life.  I didn’t love myself. I lived in this desperate and needy space… and looking back on it, I was not the best version of myself. I was mean, full of judgment, and held onto my anger in a way that wasn’t serving me. I think that stage of myself was necessary for me to be able to be where I’m currently am. I do love the quote, “You can’t be old and wise if you weren’t ever young and stupid.” And I did some stupid things.

I am someone that needs something to look forward to in life. I love the reward! I have always been the person working for the gold stars!  Many of us do our best work when there is some sort of compensation waiting for us. When my clients create goals, I am sure to ask that they build a reward along the way to their desired outcomes. Any method that can make our plans more exciting to obtain will help us along the way.

A goal to have a child was my only focus for so many years, and when you are doing all of the right things and still don’t get that gold star, it becomes exhausting. Creating goals outside of my fertility became an essential part of my self-care. Creating an identity outside of becoming a parent helps me realize that I am more than merely my fertility journey. I think this is important for anyone to recognize at any stage of their life: mothers, retirees, designers, students, basically anyone that is doing anything! We are multi-faceted humans with many things going for us. If we never step out of our comfort zone, we will never see all of the greatness that we already encompass within ourselves.

Creating goals to remind us that we are more than our issues is why I coach. I want to help women in the midst of trying for a family have some wins outside of their fertility… even though everything always comes back to “How can I become a mother?” I show up for women in a way that I needed when I was first trying. Together we create goals that give us something to be excited about... something to feel successful. 

Trying for a family can be many things, and I am here to help you love yourself through whatever this time may bring.