Surrogacy

Living in the world of infertility takes you down so many places you never imagined… Surrogacy is one of those roads. 

After we lost our daughter Clementine at eight months it was advised that I do not carry another baby. I have to admit that was a bit of a relief. After being diagnosed with cholestasis I had worried about how to move forward. Since we had two more embryos we knew we would try for a surrogate.

I was happy to have a hopeful road to be on.

When we decided to put the word out that we were looking I was shocked that we had options. The first was a dear friend that I still call Teacher Sera. She was with me my first few years of teaching and I learned so much from her. She started the process but did not pass all of the rigorous tests. Our midwife also offered but was unable to work with us.

And then there was Becca.

I have known Becca since I was 5 years old. We called ourselves BFC (Best Friend Cousins) as we found out she was related to my stepdad and we just loved that. We went to this tiny school for multiple years together and loved being friends. She has a big family that I always enjoyed being around. These people were always so much fun! Lots of laughter, dancing, and games. I switched schools but she soon followed. We went to different junior high schools but still kept in touch. In high school, we reunited and even went to Hawaii together. In college, we went our separate ways but soon social media came out and we reconnected.

Becca had married her high school sweetheart and was starting a family.  She had become a nurse and moved back to our hometown. All the while I stayed in my college town and had been trying to start a family of my own. As we struggled, I started this infertility blog to share our story… and then we needed a surrogate.

Becca actually reached out on September 23, 2019, via social media. We had made a video to help raise money for surrogacy and she was offering to be gestational carrier. She had been in touch when we lost Clementine prior. She even sent us a beautiful gift box filled with Clementine things, including a necklace that I still wear daily. I remember reading her message thinking, “This isn’t real.” There’s no way this was happening. I responded with, “I have to process this…” I was at work and definitely cried.

I remember discussing this with my mom, who loves Becca very much, and her first reaction was, “Oh, think of the love that baby will get from her.” And that felt so good. Becca and her family have always been so loving, happy and such a fun crew to be around. That baby would get a lot of love. But I was nervous that the rigorous testing would deter her. 

Once I sat with these emotions,  I let her know the guidelines and requirements… and she was OK with all of them. So many new types of dreams emerged… Being around her and the baby belly, being there for the delivery, and having Becca be a part of our child’s life! I had some other thoughts as well… How will I feel not carrying the baby? What if the baby freaks out when we finally tell them their pathway to us? How will others react to this? But, overall, it felt good in my bones to do this. My gut was definitely on board with this decision. 

Learning to navigate my own feelings during this period is challenging. Now add in another beautiful soul and try figure that out. How do I feel? How does she feel? How does her family feel? This is all new and completely uncharted territory. But when you enter on an adventure such as this you bring the best people possible, and that’s exactly what we’re doing!

We started the paperwork and things began to move forward. It takes a while to get through testing and all of the red tape… and then when it was just about time to begin in early spring, Covid-19 hit us and our world stopped. Thankfully we were at a point where we could put on the brakes. 

And then we waited.

We sheltered in place and waited.

We let others know what was happening, but it never felt real. In a long line of detours and delays, this was par for the course.

In late June we got a call from the clinic. It was time to pick up where we had left off. We had all of the things in place. Becca started the meds and our transfer was scheduled. 

At this point, I hadn’t seen Becca in many years. We were texting non-stop at this point but an actual meeting date hadn’t been able to happen.

The first time I was seeing her was at the parking lot of the clinic, where she would be getting pregnant with my baby!

We picked up right where we had left off. Just hearing the cadence of her speech took me right back to childhood and gave me all the warm fuzzies. Seeing her beautiful daughter was such a treat as she joined us as well. And her older sister that used to drive us to the mall came too. It felt surreal and very loving all at the same time.

We entered the clinic and things moved pretty quickly. Within an hour or so she was PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!) We hugged, chatted for a bit and then we both headed on our own ways. I live about 2 hours north of the clinic and she lives about 3 hours south. It’s a trek.

Within a few days she began feeling symptoms… and then she took a test… actually a few and got multiple positives. Her pregnancy was confirmed with beta testing! There were a lot of emotions arriving. I cried when the nurse called to say it was confirmed. I hadn’t cried when we had our own first two positives…. It was so out of this world to me. As the days passed we kept in constant contact.

I started to get extremely excited. I bought a baby book and let myself hope again. My husband was much more guarded… but I could tell he was feeling to hope as well. We started texting back and forth baby name ideas throughout the day. Future plans were being discussed. How to remodel the nursery was a topic of discussion. There were a lot of emotions…

And then we were hit with some different, but familiar emotions. 

At the first ultrasound, there was some distressing news. Things were not progressing well. I immediately went into protection mode. Protecting myself. Protecting Becca. Protecting our story. I had been here before… but never with someone else on the table. 

The doctor said, “Maybe there will be a miracle.” 

Becca asked, “Have you ever seen one like this?”

“Yes.” 

This came with so many other feelings that I had no clue how to handle. Honestly though, the first few days, even hours, I didn’t feel much. The grief survival mode switched on and I became very robotic. I cleaned the house to see a positive difference in my life. I worked out to actually feel something. I drank and was able to relax, but that brought on some tears. I closed the nursery door, once again.

And then I leaned HEAVILY into the miracle part. We have been through so much that I truly believed this was our time. I mean, statistically, we are due for a win in the baby department. 

But this was not our time. At the second ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. 

When we were leaving that appointment we both agreed how weird this is with tears in our eyes. Dealing with this loss, navigating these emotions, trying to be hopeful… it’s a lot. But doing it with another person is so interesting. It is so outside of my body but so heavy on my heart. 

Another person will be miscarrying our baby. That is so much to take in. She is such a rockstar. She is at home with her kids during distance learning while still keeping me up to date with how she is feeling. I feel terrible that she is going through this pain and yet so thankful to have someone in my life willing to help in this way. Conflicting emotions.

Someone recently asked me, “How do you deal with that?” And to be honest, I’m not totally sure. It’s literally day by day. 

One of the best things to have come out of this is reconnecting with Becca. I am so grateful for that. I love having her light back in my life. I feel like a kid when I am around her and it refreshing to have those feelings. Sharing this adventure with Becca and her family is something truly special. We feel more supported than ever. There is an entire community of people rooting for us.

When I was in therapy, my therapist asked, “Do you feel comfortable sharing and doing the hard things with Becca?” My gut reaction was, “Of course!” We have been through difficult times in the past, but things are different now. We are adults, she has children of her own and my story is pretty public. But I knew this was worthy of doing the extra work needed.

Now, as we wait yet again, Becca will be transferring our last embryo. This is our last shot at a biological child. We are open to other pathways to parenthood, but we would really love for this to happen with Becca. Her heart is so in this and she is full of so much love. We would feel honored to have her and her family a part of our lives and vice versa. 

My husband often says, “I know this is happening to us, but this feels like someone else’s story.” 

The pain we live with.

The loss we carry.

And even more so with surrogacy.

Having any sort of control is completely out the window. We can ONLY hand over the money and wait for the next set of instructions, sitting and watching with hope from the sidelines. Hope that this next transfer works.

Hope that Becca feels supported and loved.

Hope that our baby is on the way.

Hope that everything will be OK.

And as well we all know, hope is one hell of a drug.