And so it begins...

Photo by Cerys Lowe on Unsplash

We have decided to start IVF.

This is a big move for us, for anyone. We had initially made an appointment to schedule an IUI (think turkey baster) but two days before we changed our minds.

The emotions come and go, and often in different directions… excited… scared… happy… nervous…

Four years of trying and it is time. Peeing on sticks and then crying on the bathroom floor. Working hard to keep a smile as people ask me to hold their baby. Holding back tears until I am safe inside my car. Hearing, “You don’t understand, you don’t have kids...” When all of these things add up to your life, it gets heavy. Making the decision to start IVF feels like a light has been turned on in a dark tunnel.

The scary part is that there is no guarantee. But after what we have been through we know we must try.

There are still a few hurdles we have to get through before we can start, but everything is in the works. This decision has made some shifts for us. We are getting the house in a better state to hold a baby. For example we have single pane windows and they need to go! Excess of things are being donated and rooms are being rearranged. We are letting ourselves dream of being parents again and that is scary.

When we heard from our doctors that we are great candidates for success my heart fluttered with visions of our future. In yoga class I sobbed as I saw myself as a mother. I have hidden that sight out of my mind as it has been too heartbreaking… but I let it out again. As I leaned back in camel pose I could see myself, perfectly, holding Baby Hauskens on my hip waking down our hall. I could feel the creaking hardwood floors as I dragged my feet into the sunlight nursery. I let myself dream of being a mother again and I cried. Since it is hot yoga the tears were masked as sweat, but the teacher knew and came over. She guided me into child’s pose and massaged my back as more tears came. It was such a release.

I have pushed away the feeling of being a mother for so long. Tucked it away and only brought it out when I felt safe. Even when people would ask questions I would answer with things that were not too deep or interesting. Just enough to keep the conversation going without much thought.  

“Yeah, we have thought of names… but we're are not set on anything.”

“Oh, that’s how your sister’s friend handled her fertility… interesting.”

“Yes, I plan on still working.”

I mean I just really want to get to the part where we are pregnant! I ask myself these questions ALL OF THE TIME!!! I know others are not intending to hurt, and that is another post topic in itself, but we have just been focusing on this process step by step.

Since sharing with a few friends the out pour of love has been colossal. Friends, friends of friends, coworkers and family have stepped up. It feels like nothing I have ever experienced before. Lots of hugs, kisses, smiles and encouragement have been given. It has taken us a long time to get here and we need all of the love and support we can get because this entire process is overwhelming.

I have this yearning to share this, with everyone. I want a support system in place for whatever the future holds. If you see me glowing all of the time I want to tell you my news. I want to hug and dance with delight. If you see me crying at work I want to share my news. Hug me and tell me everything will be OK. I just want others to know.

So far blood work has begun and exams are in the books. There is still so much ahead of us, but we are preparing for the ride. We don’t have the money for this. We don’t have time for anything. We are scared out of our minds, but the love… we have so much love for this.

I am surrendering to the this.I am leaning into the love that this is being created and continue to open up to more.