That Magic Light

Christmas morning I ovulated. I felt magic in the air. We were visiting my family and staying in the bus. Parked on the edge of town we could swing open the back door and see the rolling hills of my hometown. Fog hugged the hills as the sun rose. My husband had just increased his sperm count and it was time.

I have recently started cooking. It has become therapy for me. For Christmas morning I made a delicious breakfast casserole. I even toasted my own croutons to put inside for a crunch to devour with each bite. I made it the night before and woke up early to place it in the oven. As the sun peeked through the bus windows I eagerly awoke to pee on a stick .

I crawled back into bed and curled up next to my husband reading. Baby dance on Christmas morning. There was definitely magic.

Two weeks later I was hosting a beautiful workshop at my home. A talented woman was coming over to lead our women's group in making vision boards. More magic in the air. This was also the day we would find out if we were pregnant or if I would start my period. I have stopped purchasing pregnancy tests. They are simply too expensive and filled with too much sadness.

That morning I went to the bathroom and there it was. My period. The magic completely drained out of me and I cried.

When the women arrived we congregated in a circle. Candles were lit and sage was burned. This sort of space has become my church. I felt the power of these women and it lifted my heart. We went around the circle and checked in. I immediately shared my truth as another woman before me did the same. If I wanted to get something out of this experience I knew I had to get real.

As the tears rolled off my face I began to feel the release I needed. This day was still magical, just in a different way than I had imagined. Fuck, my entire life is! Moments like these make me CRAVE more of this feeling. I have been working on becoming more grounded. I have also been listening to the podcast Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations. There were many that talked about what is “God” to you. I have a feeling I will go into this deeper in another post, but it tuned me into the idea of how it can be anything and everything.

The smiles shared with strangers in grocery store lines. The chills I get when hearing an inspiring story. In fact, recently I overheard that these are God bumps. (I wish I could remember where I heard that from.) Seeing my mom after a long time apart. Laughing so hard you pee your pants. Savoring a delicious meal. Reading a book. All of these moments are ways to take delight in the small things. All of these are God to me.

I do not think of God as a white man with a beard sitting on a cloud watching over us. I think of it as a connection to something. When I got my period this month it triggered emotions from the sight. I am working on allowing these emotions to be but also to say “Thank you” for receiving what I am given. Something greater is on the way I am the vessel through it will arrive. Maybe that will be a child, maybe it will not be. No matter what there is a light inside. I am here to let the light in and share my shine with others.