5 Things Not to Say
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Things not to say to people trying to conceive.
With the holidays coming up I am prepping my armor for words said by others.
There are many moments where I have the conversation of “When will you have kids?” I used to hold myself together and then walk away in tears. Now I know the majority of these words come from love, but it took me over three years to come to terms with this notion. Just be kind when approaching this question. People live their lives in so many ways. Just because it is not how you live yours does mean it is not beautiful.
“Just relax.” - This is the number one response I get and it is quite possibly the most infuriating. “Oh! That’s all we need to do!” Relaxing is so much easier said than done. Relaxing is also not the only way one will get pregnant. Many medical issues come along with infertility. Issues that many have no idea about. Please NEVER say this to someone trying to have a baby.
“Oh my sister's friend had an issue with that she did ___________.”- Although this one really often does come from wanting to help, I can pretty much guarantee I have thought of this idea, too. The hours spent Googling infertility are countless and this usually takes place before we even start speaking about this to others. So once we have decided to actually tell the truth about ourselves we do have some ideas to work with already.
“How old are you? It is time!”- Yes! We know! My husband deals with this more than I do because he is older, but believe me… we are aware! This one is basically rude, but we have heard is numerous times. Time is ticking and the clock continues to move. Sometimes we cry simply thinking of that notion.
“It is all in your head.”- Actually, it is not. We have been medically diagnosed with other issues. And just to be sure we also participate in medication daily, yoga and therapy. Oh, and we have also tried NOT doing these things to not be thinking about it.
“You just need to _______.” - Unless you are a certified professional in this area please don’t. This makes us feel like you know more than we do because you were able to get pregnant easily. Our bodies are unique with different abilities.
In the 5 seconds you've known about our issues do you think you have come up with an idea we haven’t thought of in the three years we’ve been dealing with it?
Here are some things to say to others when they share their story. Remember that opening up to someone about this is extremely vulnerable. Know that this can be difficult for them.
“ I am sorry you’re going through this. “ - Yep. Just keep it simple. No one want’s pity, but this is a way that you can convey your love.
“I don’t know what to say.” - This can make you feel like you’re not “helping” but it also can show your honesty in the situation. Honesty is really powerful during these vulnerable moments.
“I am here for you.” - Sometimes just knowing others won’t disregard you and your problems is helpful. Being there, no matter what, creates long lasting relationships that matter. These relationships helped pull me out of my depression. Taking friends out when they are down can do wonders, even if just for coffee.
“I am here to listen.”- This one saved my soul. When others just let me vomit out my emotions and validated my feelings I was able to feel a bit lighter. Sometimes we just need to vent and have someone agree with us.
“You are in my thoughts/I am praying for you.”- Just knowing that others think about you, even when you are not around feels amazing. This simple gesture comes back to us when we are in a dark space and we recall that you care. It helps.
Everyone responds to difficult situations differently. These may or may not help, but taking extra time to think before you respond may be helpful. Think about the battles we all fight and know that asking “When will you have kids?” can be a hurtful question.
I now respond with honesty and it bothers some… but if you’re asking, get ready for an honest answer. I like to share where we are actually at in life but I know that others do not. It is such a personal thing. If someone makes the decision to share their story be sure to honor it, just like you would like for someone to hear yours.