Finding Greatness

Photo by Simon Maage on Unsplash

Finding Greatness in the Darkness

I consider myself a positive person. I am always looking for the good in everything, even this fertility journey. My husband and I are growing so much closer than I ever imagined through this. We thought that by now we would have kids and be living “that” life. Sometimes this thought leaves me in the dark. A darkness that folds layers over my heart and eyes. But we must remember to be better in these moments. We are all living an epic life. Of course, there are things I would like to change, but overall I am happy. I definitely don’t believe that a child is going to make our lives easier. The journey to get Baby Hauskens has made my marriage stronger, and if nothing else we have that to bring us light.

I remember the first year and trying to plan out when we should have the baby. This is comical now. I knew a woman who wanted her kids to be a certain astrological sign, and succeeded! I have always been a planner and this could be the journey to help me that let go. I am also good at going with the flow, but honestly only in controlled environments. For example, we love to travel and do so often. On our trips we rarely plan things out in details and rather go with the flow. Vacations are usually pretty relaxing for us as we see where the trip takes us. But I feel like that is a scheduled time to do that. In my everyday life I thoroughly enjoy a routine. Even during the summer when I am not working, I enjoy knowing what is coming, where I am going and what will happen.  Not knowing when, or even if, we will have a child has proven to be one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered.

This path is showing me dark parts of myself that I have always known to be there, but never wanted to see or open them up… let alone share them. We all have these tucked away inside and this is something that can connect us instead of dividing. I remember once being asked the dreaded question, “When will you have kids?” By this time in my journey I had basically had it with those words and answered honestly in front of multiple coworkers. I’m not sure of what I said exactly, but it was something along the line of, “We have been trying for years and I hope one day I can come into this room and tell you that I am pregnant.” It shut this person up right away, as well as the rest of the people in the room. But what came next was a turning point in my life.

Over the next few days multiple coworkers came into my room telling me how they struggled, too. They opened their hearts and shared their stories. It was inspiring to hear as they all have children now and it also brought me closer to people that I had no idea had felt like this. Sharing was not easy for me at first. Not. At. All. I held it in from so many. I am pretty open with things with my close circle, but going beyond those few people I never considered sharing. I became part of a women’s group where we gathered weekly to create goals and support one another. In these meeting my fertility journey kept coming up. I had not seen any doctors yet and did not have a plan to do so. I kept hoping that it would just happen! It became apparent that I had some dark fears about seeing a doctor and what they might say to me and/or my husband. This fear took over and I entered a depression. Now, I would never have wished for me to enter an unstable state of mind, but this lead to many things. I began to realize this is something that many experience and I became fascinated with how others coped.

I started talking about the idea that I am not the only one going through this. There was no way I was the only person who felt this way! But where were the others? A dear friend suggested I start the conversation. That first push made me cringe at the thought. That was about two years ago. I believed I wouldn’t have to be that person as I would simply get pregnant and move on to the ways of motherhood. But here I am, sharing.

Each of us have roads we travel on. I never thought this would be my road, but here it is. It is glorious beyond measure. I can take delight in amazing trips around the world as well as sunlight peeking through the windows. We all have struggles that arise out of nowhere or maybe we saw coming from miles away. These struggles teach us who we are. And learning about who we are, what we can handle and how we can still move forward, with a smile on our face, is straight up bravery.