Infertility and Toxic Positivity
Hi y’all! It’s been a minute. I want to come from an honest place and let you know I felt as though I haven’t had much certainty in many things and that has led me to not write. The world has come to a halt, things are being uncovered and brought to the surface and it gives me anxiety. This also comes with the fact that our epic surrogate will be pregnant next week. This gives me chills just writing it. So many things are uncertain and I have felt a bit unstable with it all.
I was recently talking with multiple women that have had failed transfers, miscarriages and bad news in their life. It started to chip away at my soul and I had to write. I am usually very positive and still feel this way, but sometimes we need to let some things come out. Toxic positivity is a real thing that can eat away at you. With everything happening in the world this is how I feel today. Please enjoy...
Fuck infertility. Just fuck it.
We all have issues and this happens to be mine.
I have a lot of women reach out to me saying, “Thank you for being real. For saying what you mean and how you feel about this topic.” I do this now because when I first started trying I did not feel comfortable being, well… me.
The pain we feel going through infertility is VALID. Honestly, the pain we feel going through anything is valid. I know that we all have felt the pressure to keep it together. That we should “have hope, and keep thinking positively...etc. But when this is directed towards us it makes us feel less than. It creates the notion that what I am feeling is not worthy, which in return makes us feel not worthy.
Let me be pissed.
Every emotion that comes to us is ours and only ours. Sure, others may have felt it, but we don’t know what that feels like to them just like you don’t know what it feels like to me. We get to be pissed. And someone might think that is inappropriate, but that’s on them.
I am worthy of feeling the emotions I have. When someone tries to fix me it simply makes me feel broken. Sure, it may come from love, but the feeling I am left with is that I am damaged goods. We need to process all of the emotions we encounter. We are worthy of this time and attention. This self work makes us better as we are learning more about who we truly are. This work is essential.
Watching others get pregnant easily is gut wrenching. It’s not fair. Life isn’t fair, right? Well this is one of those moments that royally sucks.
When this happened to me I went into a depression. I started becoming this person I no longer recognized. I reacted in hurtful ways to those around me. But I was supposed to be happy and support these friends. That is exactly what was expected of me. I cried in private and put my game face on when around others.
“I’m so happy for her.”
“Oh she will be such a great mother!”
“Yes! This is so exciting!”
Lies. All of these are lies.
And maybe there are some people out there who honestly feel this way.
The shame that comes along with infertility changes you to your core. It morphs you into another person. Envy, resentment, jealousy… all of these are real. You’re just a bad person if you feel them… supposedly.
I call bullshit.
I think that you’re hiding these feelings as they are not welcomed in society. We are not the first people to feel these things. We are taught that these are bad feelings. Feelings are just feelings. There are no good or bad ones. They just are. We are conditioned to make sure others feel OK with what we are dealing with and in return we keep things in. This minimizes our value. When this happens over and over again we start to believe it. What we tell ourselves repeatedly is what we become.
Society puts a lot on us. Most of it goes unnoticed until it explodes out.
Women should be calm and happy all of the time.
You had a miscarriage? Did you know that it’s normal? You should be fine soon.
Don’t tell me the real reasons why you don’t have children… I was just trying to make small talk.
Oh, you’re still sad? But that happened so long ago. You should be better by now.
You really need to be more optimistic in life.
Ughhhhhh…
For each of us these may be different sayings and have alternative meanings… but I know everyone of you knows what I am talking about. It starts out when we are young and becomes our conditioning. I hated my height growing up. I was taller than all of the boys, clothes didn’t fit and I stood out in a crowd when all I wanted to do was blend in. Society taught me to do that. I remember my mother telling me all of these great things about being tall but it never made me feel better. When I first met my husband I didn’t think of him as a partner because he is shorter than I am. I specifically recall him saying, “Not dating me because I am shorter than you isn't a good enough reason to not date me.” The best decision I have ever made was to date outside what I thought I liked. But I had to wrestle with that in my head for a bit. I wanted to be the person that didn’t care about height but I absolutely did...and sometimes still do. Acknowledging this unsettling feeling makes me feel better. Knowing that it is valid calms my nerves, but I am constantly working through feelings like these.
We have to give ourselves the space to feel whatever that may be. People will want so much out of us that we will never be able to give. Being happy comes from within and not from your coworker that thinks, “You should be more optimistic about having a baby.” Unless you have gone through this you have no idea what being optimistic feels like. And even going through this is completely different for everyone.
Let me be pissed.
Or sad.
Or jealous.
Or angry.
Or negative.
And still love me through all of it.
Just let me be me.