Infertility During the Holidays
Thanksgiving has come and gone. I enjoyed mine as it was short and sweet. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, as its primary focus is around food and gathering. I love Christmas, but there is a lot more pressure that comes with it.
For this past holiday, we spent it with family that is well aware of our situation. Our young nieces were there, and it was not terrible. Being around young kids is tremendously difficult… but this was not the worst. I can't help but think of our baby and what she would be like today. That is what I always think around little kids.
For anyone experiencing a loss, the winter days can bring up so much. Seeing everyone assemble around the table makes me miss Clementine so much. I want her here.
But she isn't.
So, what can I do about that? I am all about what we can do NOW to be better. Not what we could have done in the past, or what we should do in the future. What can we do now?
Here are some specific things that work for me.
1. Travel
We are spending Christmas in Europe. This idea came to mind when we did 23 and Me this summer. My husband’s heritage is mainly European, and I have a lot of heritage there as well. We love to travel, and after the year we have had, we decided that this is needed. Christmas markets, mulled wine, warm coats, tasty meals, and experiencing a faraway land gets us inspired.
We love our families, but we need this time for ourselves. We need to feel new and alive around people that do not know our sadness. Trekking across Europe is by no means running away from our problems. I have done that before, but this is different. It is a well-deserved break for us to connect and discover together.
My husband and I are making new traditions that are for us. If we do decline a family event, we do something on our own. They are not always as extravagant as a trip overseas. Examples of this are things like a bike ride, reading around the tree, taking the school bus out on an adventure, or a hot toddy while watching a movie.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
I love strong boundaries! I am clear with them and do not expect others to know what I need. For example, I set limits with people who drain me, if the dogs can't come we may not go, our gifts will most likely be homemade as we spent our money on ourselves, and we don't need gifts but will take them if you want to give.
Some that are also in place that are day to day specific are: weeknights are off-limits as my husband works long hours, Saturday mornings are family time, read before bed each night, if I need attention I will tell you, same goes for it I don't. I will join you for a meal out, but I may eat before I go as I am strict with what I put into my body. I may not want to discuss certain things and will tell you if the topic comes up.
3. Declining Invitations
I want to be the person that can go everywhere and do all of the things, but I am not the best version of myself when that happens. I become run down and end up in a dark hole of feelings. So, to eliminate this from happening, I have started declining invitations to things. Taking care of what I need has created stronger connections with those that are in my inner circle. I am no longer hanging on from a thread daily.
This also helps me be present for the places I do wish to attend. There are many that I love going to and will make just about every year. These must feed me in a way that keeps me coming back. One thing that really helps is knowing someone there that knows my current situation… especially if they are friend that can deflect. This gives me a sense of security and thank you to the friends that have already done this.
A few years ago we were at a party and kids were running around screaming. I had spent all day in the classroom with the same emotional responses from children and I was DONE. I remember someone asked me how I knew the host and I couldn’t remember where I was. I stepped outside and realized I was having a panic attack and bolted from the party. That was such an awful experience. I do not want to go through that again. For this to not happen I must take more things off my plate and see what actually feeds me.
4. Irish Exit
When I do accept an invitation, I always have a way out. It sounds a bit morbid but makes the entire evening less stressful. Find a time to sneak out to use the restroom, go for a walk or take a phone call. Tell a funny story and dip out after you have delivered the punch line. People will remember you there! If you are at a bar, buy a round (excluding yourself) and leave after others have gotten theirs. Be sure to be sitting/standing on the edge of the crowd, so when you go, you won't make a scene.
All of this is great, but if you do decide to be out with people, make your rounds before you duck out... especially to the host. Just a quick conversation goes a long way.
5. Take Care of Your Body
Staying healthy is difficult during this time of year. I am not here to tell you what to not put inside your body. That's up to you. But if I could get you to do one thing, it would be to stay hydrated! Drink more water than you think! In the winter, I often don't think about it as much as I do during the summer. And for those of us that like things to be flavored, I squeeze fresh lemons (they are in season!) and put in a stick of cinnamon for some sweet flavor. Adding this in can drastically change things. My skin was one of the first things I noticed to improve.
These are some simple tools that I am arming myself with as I enter this next season. This time can be tough for many reasons. Know that I see you during this time.
If you have any other ideas please share below. I am interested!