Learning to Cook... Learning to be Childfree

I never wanted to learn how to cook, but I did always want children. When I dreamed of my future, it had babies crawling around the hardwood floors and didn’t focus on what was for dinner. These concepts have entirely flipped.

When I first began attempting to cook, it was a disaster. I dove in, thinking I could easily create extravagant Indian recipes. All I wanted was a warm curry with rice to accompany it. That was not what I ended up making. My dishes often turned into mush that lacked the correct combination of flavors, although bright in color. 

It became clear that I hated cooking. I would often cry in the process. It triggered feelings of inadequacy within me. I wasn’t enough if I couldn’t cook more than a grilled cheese sandwich and oatmeal. The feeling of being incomplete was similar to our experience on our pathway to parenthood. I didn’t feel enough in that area either.

With cooking, you become better with practice. You put in the effort, and over time your efforts are rewarded. When dealing with infettility, this is not guaranteed. Each cycle, month, or treatment doesn’t necessarily build off the previous. In my case, each time we did IVF, something different happened, and each time felt like the first time. The amount of effort I put in simply didn’t matter. 

The reality was that I had to get comfortable with failing at something. My life didn’t have many defeats, and I’m forever grateful for that. And on the flip side, I lost my shit when something came along that I couldn’t succeed at… including becoming a parent. Not having children was never part of the dreams I held onto. I didn’t know how to fail at this.

After years of effort put into the kitchen, things began to work out. I mastered a few recipes that I simply made over and over until it was what I was looking for. With the confidence of these under my belt, I began to explore other areas of cooking. I tried new things that sometimes were delicious on the first attempt. And when things didn’t go my way, I didn’t let it take over. I learned from my mistakes and moved forward with this newfound knowledge. Having insight into our fertility wasn’t helping in the same way. 

Of course, I hated the idea of being childfree. Honestly, I still feel this way sometimes. My lifelong dream to become a mother (of living children) is moving farther and farther away from me. I’ve made all sorts of attempts in many different ways, and I’m still not getting what I’m looking for. The effort isn’t paying off. 

Recently, I’ve started to see the ingredients come together for being a woman without children. There are so many avenues I never considered that are pretty appealing. Like traveling to luxurious places, having my schedule to focus on, and getting all the sleep I want. Just like I never imagined using cinnamon in chili, wrapping thinly sliced prosciutto around a crisp melon, or adding creamy hummus into your scrambled eggs. All of these work. And there is a particular beauty in these curiosities, just like looking forward to a child-free life.

I can be curious about what my future holds instead of fearing it. Cooking has given me a space to fail and succeed; not having kids feels the same. I love cooking and do so often with delight. I learned to love it. I’m now learning to love being child-free.