Reacting with Infertility
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Over the past year or so I have been focusing on reactions. We do not have many things we can control but the way we react is one of them. This has been a major lesson that I have taken away from my struggles with infertility. But, as I bring this up with others, infertility based or not, I am learning that controlling reactions is something we all deal with.
Our reaction is the way we respond to a situation. In that moment we have choices to make that will determine the next round of reactions. That small moment can be blurred with strong emotions and create a tainted response. Personally, I am a crier. If I am angry, happy, sad, surprised or even hungry it is common that I shed tears. This thoroughly changes the situation, for everyone involved. Honestly, I wish I had more of a game face when it came to this. I think people would take me more seriously. But, after 35 years I need to focus my strengths and holding tears back is not one of them.
Meditation has truly opened my eyes to reactions. Crying or not, there is that slight moment where we can pause and then react. That moment is where you are actually listening to the other person and taking it all in. When you listen to simply listen and not just respond. This is a magical space in time that is often lost.
Working through fertility and it’s many ups and downs I learned a huge lesson from reactions. You get so many pieces of advice… like literally an overwhelming amount. I tried to be cool with the information given but honestly it became too much, especially when it is basically the same few things over and over again. I would put on this happy face and then lose it later. I remember my husband getting fed up with it once and saying, “They have been thinking about this for maybe two minutes. We have been thinking about this for years, don’t you think we’ve had those ideas already?”
People are often uncomfortable with silence in a conversation. It is awkward. We have been taught to fill that silence with words of encouragement and advice. But the thing is many of us do not want you to “fix” the situation but rather just be there with us. Help us not feel alone. When that silence is filled with “Have you tried…” or, “I know someone who…” it makes us feel separate from you. We begin to feel like an outsider.
This is where many people listen to respond... and not actually listen. I can now look back and know that these pieces of advice come from a place of love, yet in the moment it certainly does not feel that that way. It actually feels like people think they know more than you and you just haven’t thought of this unique idea yet. Believe me… we have thought of it and tried it! Relaxing, herbs, diet, yoga, acupuncture, healers, meditating, working out, not working out, vacations, special baths and even standing on your head after sex. If we are someone who has been dealing with an issue for years we have done it! Maybe we didn’t tell you that we carried a crystal around in our bras or we ate a diet so rich in fiber we almost pooped ourselves, but we have.
Then there was a time when my reactions to others would be blurting out the truth and just wanting people to be as uncomfortable in the situation as I was. This was not a good space for me. This space had too many drinks and an attitude like I didn’t care. But after every “strong” conversation I had I went somewhere and cried. My reactions were charged with fear. I was so afraid of not getting to be the person I hoped I’d be by now. I wanted people to think I was so happy, but my fear was in control. Now, I am honest and simply telling the truth. This takes a bit of courage every time I share the truth. This takes even more courage when I talk about our first pregnancy and how we lost our baby. We needed IVF to have a baby. It took us almost five years and IVF is what did it. And after it all I am proud of it.
Something important to remember in all of this is that I know you mean well. Of course you do. And if your initial reaction is to advise, I get it. But often it can be too much. We never truly know what the other person is dealing with and you just want to help. That first reaction though is where we can all take a pause to think about what our reaction will be. I once heard about how it doesn't matter what your first thought is. What matters is what the second thought is. Do you act on the first thought? Do you share it? I often think about this is I catch myself judging another. I think, “This person is crazy!” But do I need to act upon that? Should I being sharing this? Or is maybe this person battling something I cannot see or do not know about. Maybe they are crazy, but does that really have anything to do with me? That second thought is the magical place I mentioned before. This is where we get to take control. This is where we can make all the difference.
We are always going to be responsible for the way we respond, always. Being the often fiery person I am it takes quite a bit for me to respond calmly. I can see it in others as well. I know the signs of distraction and avoidance and I am happy to honor that. I cannot make others tell me things they are not ready to. The shift in their eyes or a quick look away. The blatant change of subjects with non stop chatter. I get it. I think deep down we are all trying to hide something, and honestly that’s OK. Some battles are not ready to be discussed.
But if you ever feel the need to discuss them, I am here. I will sit quietly not knowing what to say. And I will definitely make it awkward. But I am here.