Making Connections
I grew up with a few close girlfriends. I had a couple of besties that were a part of me to my core and many others that didn’t last. Women were mainly competition in my eyes. If I wanted a guy as mine my only obstacles were other women. This was my perspective, for a very long time. Middle school was the toughest for me in this area. Before then I never really thought about “women” as I was not in the middle of becoming one. I was friends with some people that were not inspiring at all.
Making friends can be hard, especially in middle school. Girls are mean and I had crushes on boys… so where does that leave me? I still get butterflies today making adult friends, but without the crushes. As a young woman I didn’t know how to feel confident and strong… and I’m now learning that this is a lifelong struggle. I always wanted the cool girls to like me, to be in with the popular kids was so important. How did they get their hair like that? How did they know how to do makeup? I was clueless. And this was where I could really feel comparision come into my life. I wanted to be like them and not like me. I was 5’10’’ in the 8th grade. I literally stood out like a sore thumb. I wanted to be a small and petite girl. I didn’t want to have rolls when I bent over or be more than a foot taller than the boys. But I was me… and not those pretty girls.
I compared myself to other women and that created such a disconnection.
Societal norms played a big role in this for me. TV shows, movies and especially magazines led me to this way of thinking. I loved Seventeen, Cosmopolitan and my favorite YM. I read these like a life manual and ate every bit up. Now, I know that essentially we are our own makers, but the idea of comparison was where I fell into the trap. If I were just a little skinnier, or had my hair a certain way or knew about this specific area of knowledge I could get the guys to take an interest in me and not her.
I was not raised to believe this. My mom is a very strong woman and my dad taught me to think for myself. But as a teenager do we ever really hear our parents? I sure didn’t. With these ideas set as I entered adulthood I honestly never thought much about it… until infertility took over. This hardship has taught me so many things I never expected.
Connecting with others that get your struggle is such a game changer. I recently went on an immersion experience with a group of women. I went not knowing one person and flew to the destination. To me this was intense as I ALWAYS like a way to get out of something. But I took the leap as I just felt the call. It helps that this weekend was dedicated to being infertile. This was the reason why I was OK to put myself out there because my main issue now is those that get pregnant easily and simply don’t understand what I have been through. Gathering with a group of women that get it sounded uncomfortable and appealing all at the same time.
These women may know my pain but would they like me?
I showed up hours late as I worked that day. I came into a meditation session and literally just dropped everything to join. I smelled of plane and travel, had on jeans and just sat down on a mat… and I instantly felt like this was where I was supposed to be.
Once the quiet time was over we all began to bond. I can only remember a few other times in my life where I have put myself out there to a group and received such a positive response. This was one of those times. We ate, hiked, drank, bought crystals, meditated and most importantly discussed ways that we could all be better. This is what I want. I want to be a part of others’ lives when we want to elevate ourselves.
Most everyone we know is battling something. When we all acknowledge the battles and meet together in the desert life just becomes a bit better. Hearing other stories about how infertility just sucks made me feel like I had found my people. They get me! This was the first time I was able to connect to a group in baby making regards.
I have never sat in a circle where every single person could talk about how difficult infertility is. This was a moment I will never forget. Listening to others fight the fight you know to your core bonds you in ways never expected. Of course, people can sympathize with you, but when empathy comes into play it is a whole new ball game.
I felt seen.
I felt seen by women.
I feel honored to live in a time where I can actually see this happening. Because of this I am even more aware of where I once was. I also acknowledge that being married might be a part of this security and that still stems from my younger years. It additionally helps that my partner is supportive and encourages my growth in all ways.
There are many times in life we are put into a situation because of outside circumstances like family, friends, work and society expectations. It is time to take ownership of our own lives and make decisions that will help our future selves. I want to surround myself with inspiring and strong women so I am putting myself in situations with them around. I want to be the light for myself and others. To do this I want to be around other people bursting with light. With this way of living I am also letting go of other relationships that could be dimming my glow. This is part of it though. I don’t have room for everyone, so if you are not somehow making things better I am out.
I have unfollowed quite a few people on social media because their pictures hurt. This covers a lot of ground like pregnant women, happy families, sonograms, pregnancy announcements and especially “ways to get pregnant naturally.” I am learning that it is OK to actively take these things out of your view. This is how we survive. I cannot be surrounded by these people, online or in real life. I will drown if I do. I used to feel bad for unfollowing people and now I love it. I love going through my lists and pruning them. It really feels good.
I want you to think about who you surround yourself with. Are they making your life easier, better, brighter, happier? If not it is time to let them go. It can be quite difficult to stop engaging with those you always have, but we get this one life to do things. Are they worth it? Think about how you feel when you walk away from someone. Do you feel energized? Inspired? Or do you feel like they are going to speak negatively about you as soon as they can? Do they drain the life out of you? Your gut knows which one that you feel. Listen to it.
This weekend retreat with such strong women really made me think about this. I have such a great support system and know that I built this consciously. Coming into adulthood with such a chip on my shoulder for women made it hard to connect. I learned to trust my gut and go with what I feel is right. Meditation has been a remarkable tool to help tap into my intuition. Sitting and listening to just your body has guided me through some tough situations. Trusting my intuition also took time, but proved to me over and over to just feel it. I now listen to what my body tells me the second I meet someone and I have to say I am usually right with this. Listen to yourself, you have the answers.
This seems much easier said than done, but it is really just a mindset. It can take a long time to get there but when you do so many things change. And you will question yourself. People will push you and ask questions about your boundaries… but push back, take up space and be genuine.
Find the people that get you and help you live more authentically. These are the ones that will encourage you to do your best and call you out when you are not. I love connecting with people that are inspiring. Learn from them. Ask them questions. Use their tools. This is how you thrive. We are not reinventing the wheel and there are resources out there. Find out what works for you.