Dear Women Who Have Miscarried
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Photo by Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Dear Women Who Have Miscarried,
You are seen and not alone. This terrible thing that has happened matters. Whether we share it or not, it matters. The grief that happens is unique to all of us. Personally, my grief appeared before the actual event and then again weeks later. Honestly, I am seeing that this grief may show itself in many distinct ways and times, and all of this is OK. Time will pass and your pregnancy, baby and miscarriage will matter.
Sharing and talking about the event has helped but that sadness is still there no matter what. I talked about it in the beginning and that helped for the time being. I learned that many do not share their story. Now, a month later I am not comfortable with the discussion and it brings me to tears. Maybe I will be able to hold a conversation later, maybe I won’t want to talk about it at all. It is our story to tell or not. It is our pain to feel.
Be kind to yourself. Honor whatever it is that you are feeling. Self-care is priority right now and essential. Do what you need to do. Eat, sleep, drink, workout, create, be alone… the things that make you feel good are the most important things now. Give yourself the grace to be authentic and honest. Allow for the heartache to come up and be felt. Find others you can lean on and not try to “fix” you but rather simply let you be. Identify your tribe and let them love you.
Please understand that being a human is messy and intense. When people say, life is hard this is what they are talking about. I encourage you to not bury the pain but dive into it. Find out what it feels like to just sit with the emotion and see what happens. If you feel comfortable, share your grief and connect with others.
I do know that the amount of women who came forward to share their miscarriage experience with me shocked my to my core. I had been told this was common but I did not know that I knew so many who had personally experienced this. My heart beat with more love than I imagined every time I heard another story. We are truly connected by this pain.
This agony has changed me and taught me things I never knew existed. In the past, when I was in despair I felt as though grief was linear. I was sad at first, then as time went on the days became easier. After this experience, I am observing that one day I am OK with the suffering and another I am not. The process is not following a step-by-step pace and rather an erratic swivel that is not balanced .
This led me to the realization that dealing with a miscarriage was something entirely different. Hearing a heartbeat inside of you and seeing the blob of life growing made a shift. I was creating life in my belly. I was carrying the makings of another human, These cells were coming together to produce the love I have always wanted to share.
I am writing this to you to help you understand that we are in this together. This horrible place where you never wanted to visit is not empty. I am here and there are others. You may not see us in the dark, but quietly we fill the space around you.
You are enough and loved more than you know.