Staying Happy Through Infertility
Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash
Photo by Ksenia Makagonova on Unsplash
Photo by Autumn Goodman on Unsplash
Photo by Leah Montz
Staying Happy Through Infertility
We are officially into year five of trying to conceive. Looking back from where we started I have grown A LOT. The first year was fun, always making out with lots of dreams of what was to come. Year two and three were where the hard parts came in. My friends started to get pregnant, lots of baby showers and the advice began rolling in. That second year was when I became depressed. At the time I did not know, but recalling my actions I was not in a good place. To sum it up, I drank my way through my emotions and cried every time I took a sip.
In the middle of year three things started to shift for me. I remember being in Italy (take a trip, it will help you relax) and thinking maybe I was pregnant. We were in Rome, sitting in front of the Pantheon in awe of all that surrounded us. I had secretly taken a pregnancy test that was negative. There were crowds of people in every direction when I just broke down. I remember a couple sitting very close to use licking their gelato and simply staring as I poured my emotions out to my husband telling him of the test. Looking back I did not care as I knew I would never see this couple again, but I was definitely crying in public. My husband wrapped his arms around me and we decided to go see a doctor when we returned home. That was a turning point in our fertility journey, as well as in our lives.
We got back to the states and immediately I was referred to a women’s specialist and then to a fertility clinic. Lots of blood work along the way with a few setbacks here and there.One difficult one was my liver enzymes. They have always been elevated and I have tried many natural remedies. Nothing helped, so I lived my life normally. This came up again in my tests. My primary care doctor (one of many as I go to a clinic) told me that this was a big deal. I acknowledged this and told her my history as she was new to me. I also informed her that I was also talking CBD oil for my anxiety (more on this later in the post) and she basically told me I had to stop and until we figured out my liver and that I had to wait to do IVF. CBD was literally keeping me sane as I felt like my life was falling apart and all I wanted to do was begin IVF. I was having panic attacks and not sleeping, it was getting bad. I left the doctor's bawling and was pretty much having another attack. As we were in the car another nurse came out telling us that the doctor may not know it all and to contact a liver specialist. I couldn’t even speak to her as I was crying so hard and my husband took the information. I then pulled myself together and went to work as this was a morning before school. That was such hard day. My close coworkers were there to hold me and hear the news. A good thing about being a teacher on a hard day though is that when those kids come in your problems go out the window. There is no space for your issues when you are helping 30 kids with theirs.
Basically, my liver was fine and I was able to lower my enzymes by not drinking for two weeks and still using CBD oil. We got the OK to begin IVF from the fertility clinic and proceeded.
Living with infertility is life shattering. I had this dream of what I thought my life would be like and it was breaking into pieces right before of my eyes. I didn’t know who I was without this vision of my future.
Then I started taking a serious look at what made me happy. Not what “would” make me happy, but what is making me happy now. There were many things, but I noticed a few that kept coming up and were things that I was always attracted to.
5 Ways To Help Stay Happy Through Infertility (or anything… really)
Quality Time With Loved One- Whether it be your romantic partner, a kick ass person, or even an animal, sharing quality time together is essential. As I have gotten older I have realized I do not have ten best friends but rather 3-5 main people (and my dogs) that I choose to spend my time with. My husband is my number one. Not only do we love each other but we genuinely like hanging out together. We make the other laugh and talk about things beside people. We take our dogs for walks, go out to eat, read to each other and thoroughly enjoy the other’s company. If you follow me on social media you will see just how much I love my dogs. My husband is the most important to me as I can be the real me and he still wants more.
Meditation/Affirmations- I have anxiety and depression and with this I have learned that meditating is a game changer. I started meditating about three years ago. I do it almost every day and LOVE it. I use the Calm app and usually practice in bed right when I wake up. I grab my phone and press play while I am still lying down, it is the best. I also sometimes leave my snooze alarm on just incase I fall asleep. I like this app because it guides you through your practice. One thing to remember is that there in no wrong way to mediate. I am currently taking a class to perform non guided meditations, but it is a skill I need work with. I recently started affirmations in the morning after I had my miscarriage. It seems awkward at first, but then it is as almost as though you are tricking yourself to believe it. Which to me is the opposite of what I was doing with anxiety. I also use essential oils for both of these activities. I get into a routine with a certain smell and simply opening the bottle can take me to the place I need to be.
Support Groups- About three years ago I joined Oola. This is a support group based on essential oils, but it brought me so much more. Oola comes from Young Living and you can google it to find more about it, but my experience changed my life. There is a local infertility support group in my town, but I have never been. I hope to make it someday but it is held on Thursday nights, which is usually Oola nights. In this support group I sat in a circle of women where we, “Laid our problems out on the table and we all helped put it back together.” (Beautifully said by my dear Oola bird, Eva.) I was able to show my dirty and dark parts to a group of women who had no judgment and they showed me ways I could help myself. It meant so much to be heard and then given actual help, not just advice without background knowledge.
Exercise- This one has always worked for me yet I do not always do it. During IVF treatment I was advised to stop my intensive routine. This was hard for me as exercising is such a relief for me. I love exhausting myself in a way that is beneficial for my both physical and mental health. I love that feeling when your heart is pounding and your blood is circulating through your entire body. It made me feel strong. During IVF treatments I would walk everywhere as this was my main source of exercise. I got pedometer to challenge myself as I am competitive. Yoga also combines my meditations and workouts. Find what works for you and go with it. Having a buddy also kept me accountable. In fact, my favorite workout buddy was the first person I told I was depressed. It was a dark and early gym morning where I just said, “I think I am depressed.” I felt she just loved me more for telling her. Get a workout buddy!
Nature- This one can seep into many of my other recommendations. Being outside can change my entire mood. It can refuel me by going on a walk in our town’s park, down the street or even simply sitting in my backyard. The colors, sounds and movements calm me to my core. I often take my dogs along as well, which brings in those loved ones. My husband and I bought a small school bus and made it into an RV. This gets me to nature while having all of the comforts. The morning after my miscarriage all I wanted was peach pancakes from my favorite place, Sin of Cortez, and to eat them in nature. So my husband drove to the restaurant, ordered food to go and then we went to our beautiful local park to eat. We ate inside the bus as I did not want to be out in the world yet I wanted nature.
There are so many ways to make the hard times better. I also partake in CBD gummies. This has truly been a game changer as well. I did not add this to the list as I did not take during IVF treatments or when I was pregnant. Although I think that you are the best advisor to yourself, I did not enjoy the benefits as I could not find enough scientific evidence to make me feel OK with it. Again, you know yourself the best and can make that decision for yourself.
What ways do you help keep yourself calm during the hard parts of life? Let me know in the comments below.