We are pregnant! Today we are about 7 weeks. Our first round of IVF has worked. We are excited, scared, happy, nervous and so much more… all at the same time.
I, of course, wanted to scream it from the rooftops, and I sort of did. We told our family right away. On social media I was more hesitant. I knew many of my followers were still trying to conceive and I had personally stopped following some when they became pregnant. I remember being in that place, for a long time. I did not want to rub this is someone’s face. But I shared anyway and honestly got so much love. Some asked me how I did it and I said, “It was science!” No special herb or oil. It was IVF that got us to where we are today.
Last week we had our first ultrasound and is did not go as well as hoped. The heart rate is at 80 when the doctors are hoping for 100. As a teacher I felt like a B student was something to be proud of. The doctor felt differently. This hit me hard. We had responded to the shots very well and have not had any issues with the medication. The doctor said, “Not to worry.” But then she also said, “This makes me anxious and nervous.” These two statements are not the same in my book.
So now we wait... again. We have another ultrasound this week and we see if there are improvements. I found this out the day before my first day back at school. That day was difficult, to say the least. My husband said, " I feel like infertility is an exercise is keeping hope. We hope the shots go well, we hope the transfer goes well. Now we hope the baby decides to stay."
I do not consider myself someone who is a worrier. Yes, I do now and then, but overall I try not to go to the darkest places. Being honest though, it is very difficult to do that now. I feel as though everything has changed. Every cramp (or no cramps) must mean something now… but what? Everytime I go to the bathroom I am nervous I will see blood. Every morning I wake up and immediately check the bed to see if I bled over night. It is a lot to just “not worry” about.
I am happy to say that I am sharing the current situation. It is making this stage real and yet easier to cope with. I had a friend say, “This is why you don’t tell people so early. “ But I thought this IS why I told people early. I am going to need support, no matter what happens. This is a real part of pregnancy, a real part of life. I don’t want to hide it.
Another friend told me that I was brave, but truthfully I do not feel brave sharing this. I feel like I am just figuring out more of who I am with each passing day. To some, that may be brave. To me it is simply who I am. I want to be as authentic as I can. That makes me feel real. I am not looking for pity or expecting others to do the same. What I do want out of this is to inspire others to be their authentic selves. This journey keeps showing me more of who I am, and that is a gift.
The other night, as I was in bed crying, I decided I needed an emergency guided meditation. After a few minutes of controlled breathing it came to me, this is no longer up to me. I am, not in control and I cannot do something to make this better. It is up to the baby. I wrapped my arms around my tummy and told the baby, “If this isn’t your time, it is OK. We love you more than you know and we want you to do was is best for you, not us. If you have to go, it is OK, but know that we would love for you to fight and stay.” That was all full of tears, but more so full of love.
We will know more later, but for now we just wait.
