Anxiety While Trying to Conceive

I was sitting in my backyard and my cheeks were vibrating in pain. The only breathsI could get into my lungs were short and fast. I needed to cry, vomit, scream or simply release something. I poured essential oils all over my face and neck which helped pretty quickly. I stared at the catalpa tree and focused on the leaves. I kept wishing I was somewhere else. Looking back I just wanted to BE feeling something else.  I was having a panic attack.

I remember hearing that others had anxiety and thought, “Wow! That must really suck!” I was certain that I had never experienced such things… and honestly, at the time I believed this to be true. I didn't have crippling moments to where I couldn't be around anyone. I wasn't focusing on others and their opinions, deadlines lurking or the way my life was turning out. If you have read my work before, you know this is a common theme. This "whole life not looking the way you expected" can really bite you in the ass. 

Struggling with fertility has made thinking of the future such a delicate topic.  Anxiety while trying to conceive is a huge weight on your entire life. I did not like to daydream of what the next few years would entail. I truly disliked holding children... or just being around them in general became difficult. I remember using drinking as an excuse to not hold babies. "Oh, sorry, I think I may be too tipsy." In reality I was not but just looking for any socially acceptable way to get out of it.  The amount of guilt and repetition of the scenarios were not healthy, but there was no one to tell me this was much more normal than I was aware of. 

 I think my first experiences with anxiety had to do with my romantic relationships. I loved being in love and wanted a partner to share life with. This was something I was willing to work at. I did have to do work but it was with myself, these were the parts that helped the most. For many years I did not do this and it brought quite a bit of heartache and many learning experiences.  Whether it was being with a partner for years who constantly broke up with you, dating a person addicted to prescription meds, going out on first dates, dating a person you have known for years who cheats on you or dating someone your friend likes. This was basically my love life in a nutshell! I ended up marrying the last partner and our love has truly been one of the greatest parts of my life. But even with such a strong foundation of love in place, anxiety is here. The anxiety feels stronger than ever, but really looking at it makes me realize the issues in life are also getting harder to deal with.

The main strain is baby making. I tried covering up how I truly felt about not being a mother right away and it blew up in my face. Panic attacks became a common occurrence, once a month I broke out with a giant cold sore, and I was having problems keeping my close relationships strong. Things were rapidly falling apart when I was being told to, “Just relax, try this herb, my sister did this...” Even the morning prenatals became a constant reminder of the fails in life. I felt like no one could hear me or understand what was going on. How could some couples just try a few months and then get pregnant?!? I felt alone.   

This comes back to my life not going the way I had envisioned it. Life not going as planned seems like such a simple thing to deal with. It sounds lovely to be the person who is carefree and happy with the twists and sharp turns. I had/have this fear that I would/will not get what I want out of life and that others were judging me along the way. Where does this come from? Peer pressure? Social Media? Family? As a kid I remember wanting to be different and unique and I still feel parts of this… but then there's this huge pull for me to become a mother? How different and unique is that? So many women are mothers.. it is an ordinary and universal concept. Something so simple that I wanted desperately to be a part of. I often have looked at motherhood as the cool kids club that I would do anything to get into.

I know that anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. Sometimes I felt sad, but mostly I felt out of control. Looking back I used to glorify being busy and this may have played a large part in the anxiety factor. I definitely tried to fill my time with things to not focus on myself. I didn’t like sitting with myself. During a few panic attacks I felt like I hadn’t taken a deep breath in days. I remember finally doing just that as I opened my Calm app for the emergency meditation. How could I have gone so long without not breathing deeply? Well, it  happened, and happened a few more times after coming to that realization. To be honest I could see it happening again. There is a pattern here.

I don’t feel as though I am a control freak. I am a teacher, which is often associated with this love of control, and I just don’t see myself in that way. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer it when kids behave, but overall I like being a bit disorganized, messy and loud. I don’t have my kids walk in a straight line when we travel around campus. If a kid comes to me with a playground issue I am most likely going to say they must figure it out themselves and to leave me out of it. My home is always just a bit rumpled and we have art over almost every inch of the walls. I am organized, yet in my own messy way. But, after four years of trying SO many ways to conceive I think it just finally caught up with me. Once it became a medical issue, we literally found out it was out of our control, no matter how much relaxing we did! We finally had a reason, but it still sucked.

Finding and meeting with a fertility clinic was scary and exciting. Our doctors and nurses are kinder than I ever imagined. After going through some tests we decided to do IVF. This was something I would have never planned for myself. I can recall a moment, probably about 6-7 years ago, where I declared in front of my family that, "If I am not able to have kids I will just adopt. There are too many unwanted children out there." Spoken by a true person who had never imagined what it would be like to yearn for your own genes to be passed on. After paying the bills and signing all of the papers, I began imagining myself as a mother and my husband as a father. This was something that I have buried inside of me and did not let out. It had become quite painful to peek in that direction. I think shoving this away was a necessity for survival but  grueling for my soul. It was like I was in a conscious prison of oblivion… and I was actively keeping myself there. This caused major anxiety.

As of now we are picturing the future of our family, but it is intimidating as hell. We have gotten baby gifts and we are accepting the love. This could be a dangerous area, but I have to admit I feel so much lighter letting this in. This is helping me accept where we are and loving the act of just being. In a few weeks we will be in a completely different place, but for now we have this moment.

We do not know what these next weeks will hold, but we are going through them. I still have to remind myself to take notice of the small yet great things and sometimes even search for them… but they are there. I have found such a support system in this area and it has changed my life. We have to show up for each other in ways we never expected, but more importantly we need to show up for ourselves. I take a lot of time out to practice self-care and it has made a stunning difference. 

Here are my top 5 ways that I practice self-care:

1. Meditation- I have been practicing meditation off and on for about a year. It has completely changed my life. I was very hesitant to start as i didn't know "how" to do it. Then I learned there is no wrong way! Anyway that you can sit and breathe is the right way for you. For example, sitting usually makes my body ache so I am usually lying in bed. This way I can do it right when I wake up. If I have time on a slower morning I will sit at my altar or in my backyard. I also use an app for a guided meditation. I have not mastered doing it alone, but I am OK with where I am at and what it is bringing into my life.

2. Working Out- Now this is one that I am missing as doing IVF means you cannot move your body in many ways. They said that I could walk or swim. Well, I don't swim so I do walk. I miss getting my heart rate up and feeling sweat pour out of my body. This is a MAJOR release for me. I also do best in a class setting as if I am alone I often cheat. Last summer I did start working out at home to save money and it did work. A class always keeps me accountable though, it is also a way for me to get out of the house!

3. Bath Time- I am a true bath lover. I have tons of bath items that make it a relaxing experience, but the all time greatest is epsom salt. This stuff is a game changer and it can be CHEAP! Sometimes I buy the fancy versions, but you can go down to the drug store and get the generic brand for less than $10. Add this in with some bubbles and essential oils and I will be out of commission for at least 45 minutes. If possible, add wine and a movie. I drag the computer on a chair in and set up camp!

4. Sitting in Nature- Now, some could argue this is meditating... and yes it can be! If I am having a rough moment, especially if it involves my husband, I like to sit outside. We have a tree swing and looking up from this spot may be one of life's greatest views. The rocking of the swing could also soothe. The weather doesn't matter either! The tree blocks most of the rain and sun if it is too hot. I love smelling the fresh air and seeing greenery. Before I lived in this magical home I would take a walk in the park, sit on a patch of grass somewhere or even just engulf myself in house plants. This can be a time for crying, screaming or meditating. I have utilized all of these! Just be sure to honor whatever you may be feeling. Let it flow out of you.

5. Support Group- Finding my circle of women has changed everything for me. I found this support from Oola. This is a book-guided support group that is partnered with Young Living Essential Oils. I was invited to a book club which ended up not being about oils but rather making life goals. Having the support of these women (still to this day) has made me feel better about my life. There also is an infertility support group in town, but it doesn't meet as often as I would like. I do hope to finally make it to one of their meetings but it has been difficult as they have been held on days I met with my Oola group. 

Find your tribe and love them. A concept for me to learn was to let them love you as well. Your people will not try to fix you but rather love you for where you are. No matter what dark hole you could be in, they will sit in the dark with you. Finding this support was not easy and I had to put myself out there to 1) actually find humans and 2) say out loud all of the scary stuff about me. Tell them about the anxiety while trying to conceive! Your tribe will guide you to greatness. They will point out things that you never knew existed about yourself and shed light on the dark parts. May we always help others in this area.They can get blocked and we have to actively look for them. Never stop looking for things of greatness. It can get blurry and you will get side tracked, but these things are there. I promise. Keep going and know that you are not alone. 

Do you have any ways that help you relax? Please comment below to share. I would love to hear from you!