Boundaries with Infertility

Currently, I am in the middle of my 6th year of infertility. We did IVF and got pregnant twice. With our first pregnancy, we had a miscarriage at eight weeks, and with our second, I delivered a stillborn and 31 weeks. Our experience with trying to make a baby has been awful ...and there isn’t another way to put it.

When my husband and I first started trying, we were full of hope. In the beginning, it was so much fun! Dreams were taking form, anticipation filled every unknown, and we honestly had no idea what was around the corner.

So many shit storms have come into play. And from our experience, this is what infertility is. Many have made it out if the “childfree” zone, but they still feel the sting of infertility. We started with  a fantasy. I remember thinking that it would only take a few months, and then thinking OK a year… and then sure… a year and a half. We thought our story would be like so many others that we knew. But it is not. It turned out to be our unique part of life, and after six years, I can be grateful for that, but it takes work to feel this way.

A big part of being happy today has to do with my boundaries. I had a few in place before infertility. You know, the usual: don’t disrespect my husband, no I cannot take off of work to help you with something, I won’t go out on a Wednesday night for a concert I don’t want to attend. These were easy. And then the hard stuff started to roll in. The significant bills of infertility was a big one. New boundaries with what I could buy started happening. And I love buying things! Time off of work was spent driving to the closest city for treatments. But the most significant shift came from my boundaries with my emotions.

Friends

In the beginning, we wanted to hear everyone’s tips, ideas, and opinions on the matter. That quickly changed. After a while, we had tried it all… literally. So when you ask, “When will you have kids?” and I respond with, “We have been trying for (x) amount of (months/years)” it hurts when you say, “Have you thought of (fill in anything.)” Believe me… we have thought about it. Trying to have a baby has consumed our entire life. You have been thinking about it for just a minute =, so that great idea you have… yeah, we have thought of that. I used to lie awake at night, googling everything that has worked for people. We tried it all and put a lot of money into it. 

Another gauge I like to use with people is that when you walk away from them, how do you feel? Nervous, uplifted, sad, energized, drained? Listen to those feelings and think about the people you are surrounding yourself with. When emotions come up are you feeling good about yourself? Are you anxious after being with these people? Is your body tense? If so, that is a clear sign that a boundary needs to be in place. There have been many friends that I knew would be talking negatively about me right after I leave.This feeling is one of the worst I have ever felt. I would put myself back into these positions over and over again because “they were my friends.” Or “making new friends is difficult.” Well, one of those statements is true… making new friends can be challenging, but it is without a doubt worth it. I now can say that I surround myself with people that are inspiring. This small act has changed so much for me. If I meet someone and I can tell they are not going to bring something great to the table, I am usually out. I want to add that I also love to bring a positive aspect to relationships. It is not a one-way street, but if it is only me supporting you all of the time? Good luck to you.

Work

I love my job as a teacher. I am good at it, and I saw so many positive things in my classroom. But, with this profession comes so much more than what happens in school. Being a teacher is part of who you are. I would think about little Timmy and how I could help him regularly. I (as many teachers do) would call my class “my kids” because they mean everything to me. Yes, they would leave me at 2:40, but they honestly never leave my heart. It sounds like a cliche, but it is so true. Teachers are asked to do SO MUCH. Like… so much more than you would honestly believe. Most teachers would also agree that when you walk into the classroom, your issues go out the window as your kids have so many that override your own. Sometimes this is such a gentle relief as you don’t spend your day thinking about how to get pregnant. But then there comes a time… and it was about four years into trying for me… when you need to take that time. And you have a challenging class, and things start falling apart because you are coming apart at the seams.

I remember the first time I said NO to my first big task. I cried as I knew that technically, I could do it, but I was also quite aware that my mental health was struggling. The person asking was kind and went on their way. My world did not stop and in fact, kept continuing with my ever going bullshit. Once this happened, the no’s started coming out strong. No- I will not work on the after school project. No- I will not take part in this committee. No- I will not start this extracurricular professional development. And you know what? I kept my job. I kept the same pay. And I felt like people started respecting me so much more as I was showing them how to treat me.

Family

Showing others how to treat you also came into play with family. I am very close with my mother. We can tell each other just about everything, and it will be OK… even the heavy stuff. And with infertility came the complicated things. Holidays were always a bit tense, except with my brother, but others were not so forgiving. I remember once an aunt telling me that 1) I would get divorced as all of my aunts and uncles had been and 2) when that happened, I could sit on their side of the table during dinner. There were also the usual, “When will you have kids? You should try _______. Stop partaking in all of your ‘fun’ activities so that you can lose weight… I hear it’s easier when you lose weight.” Mix all of this in with people fighting about others not helping, yelling instead of calmly expressing their thoughts, calling you a drunk for falling asleep after a few drinks and dinner, and political discussions that are so far from where I stand… You know, fun family times! It became too much. I started having anxiety attacks when I was around many of them.

Last year was so intense (when I was pregnant) that I decided that I wouldn’t bring my baby around it. The yelling and anger became too much. I stayed away, even after we lost our daughter. I only recently went back as my mother is currently fighting stage 4 cancer. I was open and honest with my actions. Looking back, I don’t think I have ever felt this way before. But infertility takes over, and life becomes so soul-crushing I had to start thinking about myself. I felt utterly selfish in this. These people are my family. But, when you consistently feel awful around anyone, it is time to rethink what you are allowing.

Myself

All of these boundaries I set up to  protect myself from others. But there are a few that are personal, to protect myself from me. A big one was what I call “hope fatigue.” In the beginning, we had so much hope, even when starting IVF. Now, as we venture into surrogacy, we are more guarded with our dreams. We do still have faith, otherwise, why would we be doing this? But it is a much more of a “controlled” version. I, personally, love to feel all of the emotions, good or bad. But today I am working on not letting myself get too carried away with matters of our fertility. 

We do still have our nursery and all of the items needed for a newborn. We are continuing to pay for our embryos to be frozen. Sometimes we discuss us being parents, but that is never for too long anymore. 

A specific boundary with our fertility journey is that I will not do another egg retrieval. If these two embryos don’t hang around, then we will look into adoption. We know that adoption is not a guarantee either, but that is our back up, for now. We haven’t set a timeline for that, but if we get there, I know we will set one. 

A fun boundary that I hold sacred is husband and wife time. Since we thought we would have children by now, we take our time much more intently. Every Saturday, we get up early and shop at the farmer’s market and chat with some of our favorite people. We then go out to breakfast and sit at the counter of our favorite restaurant, which where we met. These two acts are usually done by 10 am, and the rest of the day may not be together… but the morning is. And it means the world to me. There are a few times life interrupts, but for the most part, this is our time. I would highly recommend something like this for you to do if you are going through infertility. We specifically sit at the bar or counter because we know when kids come along, this may be more difficult to do.

I did not always have such firm boundaries. I used to cry a lot and drank myself into a comfortable place. But infertility has made me step up my game in life. I know what I want and will most likely be getting it done or asking someone to help. Our lives can be overwhelming without the added stress of infertility. So please, take some time to see and feel what you truly need. It can be small actions or big moves. But we get this one life and every day counts