This is Actually Happening...
Photo by Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash
Photo by Rosie Kerr on Unsplash
We are having a baby and it has taken me a while to finally accept this new reality.
Yesterday we hit week 15 in our pregnancy. I am finally feeling like this could be a real thing.
After our miscarriage there were mixed emotions I had never knew existed. I told people right away but I was so much more cautious than before. I remember my mother telling me, “You need to hold your belly and talk to the baby.” This simple act was too much for me. I was afraid to make a bond if the baby didn’t make it. I didn’t want my heart getting broken again.
I had made many connections with others that had experienced the same loss. The realization of how common it was to miscarry became a heavy weight I carried and often expected to happen again. “I could be that woman,” I thought, “This could be my story. We try and try and just feel the pain.” This replayed in my head often and I started to work on being mentally prepared. If this were to actually take place, I needed to be ready.
When week 6 passed and we had a strong heartbeat I let myself get a bit excited, but honestly not much. My husband and I were able to breathe for a bit. Although, we were highly aware that we could be let down at any moment. Week 8 we graduated from the fertility clinic and it started to feel a bit more real.This part happened so fast. We were congratulated, given pictures, signed papers, and were handed a gift bag as we walked out the door. I was not prepared to leave my doctors and cried the second we were out the doors. “Let us know what happens and keep in touch!” This goodbye came too soon and I just wanted them all to continue on with us. We had been through SO much together. How could we move forward without them?
I had been instructed to get a new doctor to start the next part with, but I had not done so yet. I kept thinking that if I did I would have to go through the pain of another miscarriage with someone who I did not know. The relationship was not there for me to move on yet. I did not want another doctor! What I really wanted was the doctors who I had been through so much with to be in my town and deliver the baby with me!
I completely understand why people wait to share their news until after the first trimester, but I still wanted to be open about our process. I felt like a hypocrite for telling the news prior and then wanting to keep it quiet during the second time. I would tell others that yes, we are expecting, but it wasn’t really making sense to me. It felt like an act or that I was even lying about it. The words would come out but I was not believing it myself. This awkward shame followed me around as I quietly shared with people and to those of you who know me are very aware that I am not a quiet person.
It was time to find a doctor though, I knew that for sure. We live in Chico, CA and are still dealing with many issues from the Camp Fire that took place. There was a hospital in Paradise that we had initially thought to have our baby at, but it is now gone… along with many of the doctors who have moved to other hospitals. Our next choice was the local hospital in town, but our insurance was recently cut from their coverages. The customer service from our insurance stated, “You are covered for now but if things don’t change soon you may have to find another doctor later down the road.” If you couldn’t tell from my doctor experience earlier in this post relationships are extremely important to me and this path did not feel right. I did not want to start establishing a new connection, get comfortable and then have to start over before the baby comes if the insurance changed. This idea sounded unreasonable.
Before we ever knew infertility was going to show its ugly self I had thought of having a home birth. After all we went through I feel jaded about many things and decided that I do in fact want to give birth in a hospital, just maybe with a midwife. Most of the people I know did not have midwives so it started to seem like a crazy idea. Just the look of people’s faces was enough to question myself. But those few who did had the most positive things to say. And with all of the interesting judgments and advice we have been given about our process I knew I had to go with my gut. We ended up finding a wonderful midwife in the town next to us and are happy to be on this path. A doula will also be joining us as this is our first time as we have no idea what to expect.
Week 15 still holds many fears, but the calm is starting to weigh it out. I started a prenatal yoga class and that is unreal every time I am there. I cried in my first session as I was led to “Put your hands on your belly to connect with your baby.” This did not seem like it is my life. I had imagined myself in this exact position for literally years, and here I was. I had not actively tried to bond with our little one yet and was hesitant… but I was here! In a prenatal yoga class! This is the time. I sat and connected with breath and began to talk to our baby internally. This move was big and my heart flutters every time I remember letting my guard down to do so.
A big part of me relaxing was feeling the symptoms. I was sick and tired, but honestly not for very long. Although this may sound like a welcome experience, feeling the symptoms reminded me that my everything is OK. I am supposed to feel nauseous. Being tired is a normal part of pregnancy. These were good things. When we had our first midwife check-up she wanted to hear the heartbeat and I said, “I don’t know if we will be able to.” She gave me a funny look as she got the device ready. I held my breath… but there it was, and it was perfect.
The fear is still here and strong. I am still afraid to look in the toilet after I pee thinking there may be blood and that this is it. This most often happens at night when it is dark and I know that I have to turn on the lights to see if I am OK. I will cautiously peer down and sigh with relief. In the dark sometimes I swear I see blood and will gasp… and then turn on the light to see I was freaking myself out. I recently googled “Am I still pregnant?” There are no baby items in our home that we have personally bought, I am only sort of reading books on what to expect and birthing, I am not taking bump pictures or tracking the progress, and we talk about the future but it seems as if we just are not sure this is really happening yet.
It is absurd what we have been through to get this point and then not be over the moon with excitement. But a pregnancy after a miscarriage can really shake you. Trying to live in the moment and enjoy each step is harder after experiencing a loss. Meditation is helping me just be thankful for small moments and to repeat that often but it is taking more work than I expected.
We are in uncharted territory that is difficult to navigate. I am now holding my belly much more often and sharing the love I have always had for this little one, yet it is still with apprehension.
“Day by day
Minute by minute
It's how we livin…”
-Brett Dennen