Round 2
Photo by Marcelo Matarazzo on Unsplash
Photo by Nine Köpfer on Unsplash
Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash
IVF Round 2
OK, here we go again.
Entering our second round of IVF. There is a lot going on. Although, I will admit that knowing the process makes me feel a bit more knowledgeable. I know what is going to happen and am much more at ease with the process. I like to think the saying “This is not my first rodeo” fits well here.
This by no means takes away from the interesting, nerve wracking, scientific process. My worries are still here and I am still in awe of this procedure. I am working on hearing my troubles but not allowing them to take control. This is a difficult practice in itself.
I am learning how take time for what I really need. In the past I have been great at simply pushing through anything required of me, especially in work. After our miscarriage I felt like a light began to shine into my pain allowing me to nurture myself in a way that I often skip over. When we first found out we were going to miscarry it was devastating. I didn’t even have a few days to deal with this when I most certainly needed time to do so. The next day was my first day of school. I had to be there for my students, parents, my boss and coworkers. I remember keeping it together at school and then walking to my car so I could cry. I came home that day and dropped to the floor to cry for hours. I then fell asleep and got up to mask what was really going on until 3:00 when I could feel again. A few days into this I was finally able to breathe. Then the actual miscarriage came along and I went through this all over.
I honestly didn’t know how to handle what was happening and I was trying to navigate my way through it. When I basically drove myself into a corner I realized I craved some time to figure out what I needed to feel whole again. Connecting with others was such a great help. Being open with our journey has led me to a lot of others in similar places. I have met many through this blog and bonded over our shared experience. I have also loved that it isn’t “misery loves company” but rather let’s empower and support one another. Learning that so many went through this and felt the exact same way made me feel part of a community.
When asked about our next FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) I felt that of course we would start right away. My nurse asked me to really think about it and see how I feel. I sat with this question for a while as I was a bit shocked she even second guessed this. I came away knowing that I wanted to try again. I feel much more aware of the process and want to try again with this feeling of hope.
Recently my nurse commented that I was quite happy. I told her that I feel hopeful and have something to look forward to. This is what is keeping my going right now. I am fully embracing the last round we just went through and using it to motivate me for the next. Our nurse honored what we experienced. She acknowledged that if you have not dealt with any of this then you just do not know what it all entails. She helped validate what we have been through and let us know that we are, again, not alone.
We have three embryos waiting for a chance to thrive. This Thursday we take the leap of faith and hand in hand with science we try again. My husband and I repeat often how lucky we feel to simply have this as an option. I have learned so much about myself during this and look forward to learning more. My body and mind have gone to some great places and I loved them. There were also some of the darkest regions I never imagined I even had inside of me. All through this I am still loving myself everyday and I believe even more so than the past. I am understanding more about what I need to survive and feel whole.
I think that any life shift or hard time brings this out is us. Community comes together in times of need and it can create more love than ever before. I feel the love. I feel it from all sides and I embrace it. I am using this as a driving force. At the moment I am in a beautiful and calm place. Not knowing what the next corner will be is terrifying but I am working diligently to trust the process and even more so to trust myself.
